matt's story

This is a continuation of yesterday's post. Today we have Matt's perspective on dealing with infertility. Thank you Matt for being part of this project! 
----------

When Stephanie and I initially decided to have children, my desire was not nearly as strong as hers.  I was not opposed to having children, but I was also in no hurry.  After several months of no success Stephanie became quite discouraged, and I felt sad about the situation, but mainly because of how it was affecting Stephanie.

As time went on we each had some tests done, and we were told that there weren’t any issues on my side of the equation, so we turned our attention to resolving some minor concerns on Stephanie’s side.  About a year later, during another appointment with our fertility specialist, it was discovered that we had been given the wrong test results and that our infertility issues were primarily mine.  In light of this newly discovered information, our doctor suggested either IUI or surgery as our next possible options.

We decided to try IUI, but during the actual procedure we were told that our chances of pregnancy through this treatment were small.  My latest test had worse results than the last, so our IUI attempt was essentially done in vain.  We then elected to undergo surgery and a few months later discovered that the surgery didn’t change much.  At this point we had spent thousands of dollars with absolutely no results.  We had wasted over a year pursuing solutions for problems that did not exist, and all the while I had the real infertility problems and the condition was worsening each month, which meant our chances of pregnancy were steadily diminishing.  I was at my wits end with the doctor and his seemingly incompetent staff.  I was so frustrated with the situation that I even considered filing a medical malpractice suit.  Ultimately cooler heads prevailed and we ended up firing that particular doctor and fertility clinic.  At last we resigned ourselves to the fact that we were facing a trial over which we had very little, if any, control.  Our options at this point were IVF or a miracle—both of which were out of my hands because I’m not wealthy, and I’m not God.

Month after month for the next year and a half was like being stuck on an endless roller coaster—and those who know me well know that I despise roller coasters.  It was particularly difficult for Stephanie because she would have many months when she thought she was pregnant only to sadly have her hopes dashed with a negative pregnancy test.   What added to the pain of being unable to have kids was the fact that our infertility at this point was mainly male-factor, and it broke my heart every month to see Stephanie longing, crying, and suffering because I was powerless to help her realize her greatest dream of becoming a mom.

My desire for children grew with each passing day, but as time went on, I think I became somewhat jaded with the entire situation.  I was never bitter toward Heavenly Father about our predicament, but I felt as if I had become emotionally numb to our infertility.  I decided to quit worrying about it altogether.  I knew that at this point there was nothing I could do and that it would only add more stress to my life if I spent any more time fussing over infertility.  Despite my attempts to block this trial from my mind, I was largely unsuccessful in ignoring it because of how it affected Stephanie each day.  Sometimes even the simple things like attending church became unbearable with a chapel full of so many beautiful babies.  Facebook, it seemed, had become a dispenser of discouragement.  So many friends and family posted adorable photos and videos of their kids, and each post seemed to mock us with the thought that we would never enjoy similar experiences with our own children.

With in vitro as the only option, we decided to learn more about the process.  Naturally, this only added more stress to the situation when I realized it would cost $20,000 for the treatment option that best fit our needs.  I had just started my first year of studies at one of the most expensive law schools in the country, and the thought of having to spend $20,000 that I did not have weighed heavily on my mind. To be absolutely powerless in solving a problem that has been so difficult for Stephanie and me has been a truly humbling experience.

Through it all, I can honestly say that this heavy burden, as discouraging as it is at times, has been one of the greatest blessings in my life.  Struggling through infertility with my best friend has been a strengthening force in our marriage.  I am closer to my wife because of our infertility.  I better understand her desires and her dreams.  I have also had the blessing of seeing so much good in other people.  Total strangers have reached out from all over the country to provide counsel, assistance, and resources in our quest for parenthood.  What a privilege and comfort it is to know that Heavenly Father places people in the position to be able to help those in need, and I have no doubt that He has had His hand in our lives, and particularly this trial, from day one.

My greatest desire is to have and raise children.  I can’t wait to rediscover all the beauties and wonders of this world with them.  Children are so optimistic.  They find pure joy in the simple things in life—the things that really matter.  I know that fatherhood will be the greatest joy in my life, and I cannot wait.

If you would like to help us on our journey to parenthood you can make a donation through Pound the Pavement for Parenthood here and/or share our story with family and friends and encourage them to make a donation.  Every little bit will help us reach our goal!  Please keep us in your prayers.

Love,
Matt and Steph

-------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.

stephanie's story

I always had a feeling I would struggle with infertility. I don’t know why really, but I remember feeling something like empathy, even though that would have been impossible, when I would hear of a woman struggling to get pregnant. It was as if I could identify with her in some way. Still, I fully expected us to get pregnant the first month we started trying in January 2009.

In April 2009 I was late. Two weeks late. Several at home pregnancy tests and a trip to the doctor confirmed that I was only late, not pregnant. I think it was around this time that I started to panic. My worst fear seemed to be unfolding before me. All I ever wanted was to be a mom—more than anything in the world. Again, I felt like I just knew. We hadn’t even been trying for six months, but I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

At my yearly OBGYN appointment in May 2009 I decided to talk to the doctor about our difficulty getting pregnant and my irregular cycles. I was worried I would be told to wait until we had been trying for a year. I was blessed to meet with the nurse practitioner rather than one of the doctors and I feel that she was much more aggressive than a doctor would have been. The Lord knows me and he knew I needed that. She ordered the full gamut of blood tests to check for any irregularities in my hormones. She then prescribed the lowest dose of Clomid to hopefully help us get pregnant. That resulted in an emergency room visit and complications due to Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). This was our first attempt to “fix” the problem and it was devastating to discover that it hadn’t resulted in pregnancy. Those complications resolved themselves and we were referred to a fertility specialist.

In September 2009, only nine months after we started trying to get pregnant, we met with a fertility specialist. He did more extensive testing on both of us. Unfortunately, the nurse confused some of the results and told us there was no male factor element to our infertility. We spent nearly a year running around meeting with other specialists trying to fix my hormonal imbalance only to find out in August 2010, when we met with our fertility doctor again, that there is a serious male factor element to our infertility. We were given the options of IUI (artificial insemination) or surgery.

We opted for IUI in September 2010 but when we went in for the treatment they discovered that the male factor issues that were present a year earlier were now much worse and we were no longer good candidates for that treatment. They completed the procedure, but told us it was very unlikely that it would lead to pregnancy. Upon learning that the only treatment we could afford at the time was not an option for us we prayed about pursuing surgery and met with another specialist. The surgery was performed in October 2010, but we would have to wait six months to know whether it was successful or not.

Those months were so difficult. For me, it was hardest because I knew the problem may have been fixed and that every month we COULD be pregnant. It was such a roller coaster of testing for ovulation… then for pregnancy and being let down every month.

In May 2011 we went in for more testing and were told that the surgery did not improve our male factor infertility and that without assistance we have a 3% chance of getting pregnant. The doctor said that we are great candidates for in vitro fertilization (IVF) and that was his recommendation for treatment.

We were getting ready to move across the country for law school and a $10-$20K treatment option just wasn’t a viable option. It broke my heart. I think I had been surviving on hope that the next test would provide insight, or that the next treatment would work. Now our next step was too far out of our financial reach. Our only option was to sit back and wait—possibly the most difficult part of this whole process.

In January 2012 I felt prompted to open up about our infertility. I knew that I wasn’t helping anyone by keeping this to myself. Matt and I discussed this and felt really good about it. If I could help just one person it would all be worth it. We had no idea how much opening up about our infertility would help us. I wrote about our infertility on my Mormon.org profile and wrote a blog post about it on our blog. People were so supportive and loving it was overwhelming. I received emails from women all over the country who were facing the same trial. Some I knew, some I had never met. I developed strong bonds with these women. They were my pen pals—my support group.

One of these women worked with a non-profit organization called Pound the Pavement for Parenthood and urged me to apply to be sponsored. If we were selected for sponsorship they would plan a 5k race for us here in Indiana and help us raise funds to pay for the treatment we need to become parents. I filled out the application, but I didn’t know if anything would come of it.

In July 2012, we found out we would be sponsored by this amazing organization. Our race will be April 27 2013 and the funds will go to help us pay for the treatments we need to become parents. We need $20,000 to pay for in vitro fertilization and while we’ve been saving everything we can, we need help. There is just no way we can come up with $20,000 while Matt is still in school. As family, friends, and strangers have found out about our situation they have gone above and beyond to help in anyway they can. We even had a sweet lady contact us in December to offer to donate most of our IVF meds saving us approximately $1,500. She is the friend of a friend, but a complete stranger to us.

It has been so apparent to me through all of this that the Lord has a plan for us. It may not be His will for us to conceive naturally, but He’ll help us financially to be able to pay for the treatments we need to become parents. A leader in our church, President Spencer W. Kimball, once said, “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.” I have seen Him put people on our path who are willing to help us on this journey.

This trial has been heartbreaking at times and I still have my hard days, but I can now say that I am truly grateful for this trial. Even if I could, I wouldn’t change it for anything. It has given me an opportunity to grow closer to the Lord and to recognize His tender mercies. If we had been able to get pregnant the first month we tried we would not have seen the Lord’s hand in the process as much as we have. I know I will appreciate motherhood more than I would have if it had come easily. It has strengthened my relationship with Matt. We are best friends and he has been here beside me through it all. We have had more time just the two of us and I know we are stronger for facing this together—I wouldn’t change that. I appreciate that I now truly have empathy, not just sympathy, for women who face infertility. The friendships I have developed with other women who are facing or have faced infertility are invaluable. That bond is so strong. We aren’t just friends, we are sisters.

If you would like to help us on our journey to parenthood you can make a donation through Pound the Pavement for Parenthood here and/or share our story with family and friends and encourage them to make a donation.  Every little bit will help us reach our goal!  Please keep us in your prayers.

Love,
Matt and Steph

-------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.

michelle's story

 I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. When I was young, I wanted to have 8 kids, all boys. I was unsure of most of my future, but the one thing I knew was that I was going to be a great mom.

When I was 23 I married the love of my life. By this time my dream of having 8 children had been whittled down to 5. Rob wanted 4, I wanted 5, but we both wanted to start trying right away. We figured that we had such a strong love and commitment to each other, and the idea of bringing a child into our home warmed our hearts.

After 6 months of trying, my enthusiasm began to wane. I began worrying that something was wrong. Rob told me not to worry, so I tried to put it out of my mind.

          After a year of trying, I was devastated. I felt like it was all my fault that we hadn't had a child yet. Although I knew in my head that Rob was equally bothered by the situation, in my heart I felt that I alone was carrying the burden of infertility and was sure that I was the failure. I fell into a depression that only deepened as each month passed. I spent many nights crying over the unfairness of it all.

After trying for 18 months, Rob and I decided to look into adoption. We had attended an infertility seminar previously, but we felt that adoption was the right path for us at the time. The organization we decided on asks that each couple be married for two years first, so we waited until we hit 2 year of marriage and trying to conceive.

We filled out our profile and went to adoption classes with other couples in our situation. We payed our $1000 ‘down payment’ and were excited for our family to be blessed.

As fate would have it, a few weeks after we paid our money, we found out that I was pregnant. Days after our 3 year wedding anniversary, we welcomed our daughter Bee into our family. Although we knew that our daughter was a miracle, we decided to try again right away for another child. It has now been almost 2 years of trying for baby number 2. While secondary infertility hasn't rocked my life as much as my infertility the first time, my heart is still saddened by the fact that I can not bring all the little spirit down to earth that I choose, and I still have days where I can’t stop the tear from flowing.

This time around, I have been much more open about my situation. I tried to bear the burden alone last time. I didn't want people to know that I was having troubles. I’d rather they assume that Rob and I were saving money, or focusing on school and careers, because it was easier to have people think I was selfish than to know that I was a failure. This time, however, I know better. Infertility is unfair, uncaring and unkind. It affects all ages of men and women. There’s no one cure, or simple trick that will work for everyone. And regardless of how many books I’ve read (and I’ve read most of them out there) sometimes the answers can’t be found. Going through it alone is unnecessary. People love me and want to be there for me, even if they have no answers, and having support is much easier than going it alone.

I really hope that I’ll be able to have another child and experience pregnancy and birth again, but if it’s not meant to be, I’m thankful that my journey in motherhood doesn’t have to be over. Rob and I have decided, once again to adopt. Although there’s no guarantee I’ll carry a baby in my tummy, I feel right now that I am growing a baby in my heart. I feel strongly that there will be a child out there who was meant to be mine, but was meant to come another way.

Through my journey I've felt fear, anger, hopelessness, joy, love, sadness, acceptance and hope. It’s a confusing roller-coaster that I wish no one would ever have to get on. I’m just grateful that God blessed me with a wonderful husband and sweet daughter to brighten my days.

 -------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.

Jaime's Story

Jamie lives in Chicago and was kind enough to share her story with me via email. Please take time to read it and share some encouragement! 

------------------

I have always struggled with telling my story.  If I speak it, it becomes real, an ugly truth that I have kept to myself for so long.  Unfortunately, this story is not only mine, there are countless women who are struggling with this, but always in silence.  To the women who have shared their story, I thank you.  Thank you for making me feel less alone and I hope my story helps as well.

I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was 19 or 20.  When my doctor told me she suspected PCOS, I was not mature enough to understand, or even care; at that age, I was not thinking about kids.  Fast forward several years, Mr. and I meet and date.  As things got serious, I told (warned) him conceiving may be an issue, but in all honesty, I never actually thought it would be.

Due to my PCOS, I was proactive about getting the right medical treatment when we were ready.  I was referred to an Endocrinologist and an OB/GYN.  Countless medications and vitamins became a party of my daily routine.  My OB/GYN prescribed Clomid to help me ovulate.  The first month I was ovulating but got a negative pregnancy test.  I was not discouraged by that because at least the medication was working.  The second month, my entire life changed - POSITIVE!  In that moment, the entire world as I knew it, became different.  I already loved this child that would grow in me and I could not wait to feel every kick.  Hopes and dreams for this little flooded my mind; I desperately prayed for this little to be the best of Mr. and I; I prayed that we would be equipped with the heart to be the best parents.  

I had 3 ultrasounds done from the moment I found out.  [3 ultrasounds are a bit excessive, I have nothing to say except that I am completely neurotic. :)]  The first ultrasound revealed nothing, although my numbers were increasing, it was way too early to detect anything.  For any woman struggling with fertility, we all KNOW our dates; I knew it was too early and I was ok with that.  2 weeks later I came in for the 2nd ultrasound and just by glancing at the monitor, I saw my little.  The technician never showed us the monitor, but Mr. and I did glance at it; we both saw what was unmistakably, our little.  The technician could not detect a heartbeat but assured us this was common, sometimes it just may not work this early and I was told to come back in 2 weeks.  My 3rd and final ultrasound showed nothing.  There had been no growth from 2 weeks prior and no heartbeat.  Little stopped growing at 6 weeks; I was supposed to be at least 10 weeks by that time.

My miscarriage was the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced in my life, both physically and emotionally.  I spiraled into an abyss of anger and sadness.  I could not understand why I had to miscarry and even though I warned Mr. about it early on, I honestly never thought it would actually happen.  Surely God would not do this to me; He knows the struggle, surely He would not cause me such pain and agony.  I prayed, begged and pleaded so desperately that I would wake up from this nightmare, unfortunately it was my reality.

I resented every single pregnant woman, everyone who asked me about children, I even resented my own mother for having me and I resented God for doing this to me.  Anger and sadness fueled my life and I felt like this time bomb that could go off at anyone for anything.  I stopped going to church, I stopped talking to people and I stopped being me.  The month I was due came and went and I didn't know how to feel anymore.  I was empty and broken.

It has been a year since the miscarriage and unfortunately, bitterness and anger still swallow me whole at times.  I've never stopped missing what could have been, but I have tried so hard to move on and focus on the future.  Mr. and I started our second go at it as soon as I was physically able, but [of course!] I stopped responding to Clomid after the miscarriage.  Month after month has been heartache, my poor Mr., who holds me until I soak his t-shirt through, try as he might can never understand this empty feeling I carry with me.

Fertility is so beautiful and fragile, it is a part of what makes women whole; the reality of INfertility shook me to my core.  Our purpose as women is to bring life into this world, why can't I?  It tests my very existence.

Mr. and I are seeing a specialist now and we are hoping the time is right for us to love and be loved by our little.  Our story is to be continued [with, God-willing, a Happy Ending!].

-------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.

heather's story

Heather is a friend of mine who lives in Iowa. She was kind enough to share her story, even though we weren't able to do a photo shoot. She has since had her baby girl, Ellie Nicole on November 3. Congratulations, Heather and Clint! 

------------------------------

Clint and I were married in August 2008. After a little over a year we both felt like it was time to start our family. We knew it would probably be a little difficult for us because I didn’t ovulate regularly. I tried using ovulation tests and taking my base temperature, but neither seemed to help. After trying on our own for a little over a year, we decided to go to a doctor and see if we could try Chlomid.

At my first doctor’s visit, I explained our situation and told my doctor that I wanted to try Chlomid. She informed me that our insurance would cover diagnosis, but not infertility treatment. Because of this, she suggested that we do some other tests before starting Chlomid to make sure there weren’t any other problems so that we wouldn’t have to pay for the tests later on.

After about 3 months of lots of tests my doctor concluded that there weren’t any additional problems and that we should go ahead with Chlomid. I was a little annoyed that I had gone through all of that just for her to tell me what I already knew, but I guess better safe than sorry, right?

So I started Chlomid. A little while later we started getting bills for all the tests they had done that our insurance was supposed to cover. We went back and forth between the insurance company and the doctor’s office, each blaming the other for the uncovered costs. After everything, we ended up having to pay for most of the tests which had all turned out to be unnecessary. Needless to say, the stress of dealing with all of that didn’t make trying to get pregnant any easier.

After being on Chlomid for 3 months, I still wasn’t pregnant. My doctor’s office told me that they would no longer work with me and that if I wanted to continue going to a doctor that I needed to see a specialist. I was really upset that they were just blowing me off after 3 months and wished we had a little more time to try using Chlomid. I felt like there wasn’t anything a specialist would tell me that I didn’t already know. I was kind of fed up with doctors, so I felt like I needed a break from them.

Over the next few months we still kept trying to get pregnant but started to think about our other options. I had always thought it would be a great experience to adopt, but always figured I would have my own kids first and then think about it. But maybe we should adopt first and our own kids would come later. Or maybe we should try going to a specialist and see what they had to say.

In March of this year I told myself (and God) that I was giving it one more month. If I wasn’t pregnant by April I was done trying. I had been on an emotional rollercoaster for 2 ½ years and I was exhausted.

I guess God knows our limits because at the end of March we found out that I was pregnant! So far things have been going really well with the pregnancy. Our little girl is due December 4^th and we couldn’t be more excited to meet her!

I know that everything happens for a reason. Looking back on our experience, I can see some reasons why maybe things needed to happen the way they did. But in the midst of a trial, it’s never easy to see why you have to go through it. It was so easy to feel discouraged, hopeless and broken. Satan definitely worked hard on me during this time. But I had an important lesson to learn. Sometimes having faith doesn’t mean that everything will work out the way you want it to. Sometimes your faith is simply what helps you make it through.

-------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here. 

kati's story

 Tyson and I were married June 20, 2009. Having both grown up in large families, we knew that we would want a big family of our own. Knowing Tyson’s medical history of testicular torsion, we decided that we should start trying earlier rather than later; we anticipated a little bit of a struggle. We stopped birth control Christmas of 2009, and thus the roller coaster ride began.

Each month that passed brought about new hopes, let downs, and the reminding of ourselves that faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing.

After 18 months of trying, we thought it was time to seek medical attention. I went in for a physical and the doctors found that everything seemed “normal.” They told me that Tyson needed to go in and get checked to see that he was functioning properly, as well. The week of our 2 year anniversary, we received the labs results from Tyson’s doctor and found out that there was a slight morphology issue but that everything else looked “normal.” The lab sheet suggested that we would need to do an IVF with ICSI. We immediately began our search on Google to find out what that was. Turns out it is the most invasive and expensive version of In Vitro Fertilization. We were mortified. As young college students we were not exactly carrying around an extra $15,000. It was at this point that we knew this trial was going to be more than the emotional struggle we had seen thus far; it was going to be a financial hit as well.

I returned to my doctor and she seemed to think that it would not be necessary to start out with the most expensive procedure. She said that it would be worth it to try the least expensive procedure, Intrauterine Insemination, and work our way up until we were able to conceive. She then referred us to Dr. Foulk at the Utah Fertility Center.

From the first visit with Dr. Foulk, we were impressed with the facility. It was a small building with a professional and personable staff. They were ready to get going from the start. Since the timing of my cycle was not prime for starting medications or procedures, the told me to take an ovulation test and try naturally for the first month. However, I never received a positive result. This brought on a new set of fears. Maybe there was more going on with me than we knew. They began doing a slew of diagnostic procedures. I had to give blood many times to check my hormone levels. I had to get ultrasounds to check that my uterus was functioning properly. I had to get a Hysterosalpingogram; a procedure where they inject a dye into the uterus while taking an x-ray to check for blockages in the fallopian tubes. There were so many procedures that I never knew would be necessary for me. It was overwhelming but I kept reminding myself that the sooner we found out where the issues were the sooner I would get my baby.

I began keeping a journal to document our journey with the fertility doctors.

Oct. 11, 2011 - “On Wednesday, September 28, 2011, we had an Intrauterine insemination (IUI) performed. I have been taking so many hormones and vitamins to help make my body a happy home for a baby. They even had me take Clomid to ensure ovulation. Tyson and I are keeping our fingers crossed for twins. We have an appointment set to have a blood pregnancy test done tomorrow. Hopefully it will come back positive!”

Oct. 15, 2011 – “We got our results back from the pregnancy test – negative. I had a good cry. Tyson was so sweet to me; he held me and let me cry on his shoulder. … I had to call the doctor today to inform them of Cycle Day 1. They should be calling me back on Monday to tell me the new plan for the month. We’ll keep praying for results! We went to the temple today. I always love the peace I feel in the temple. I feel much more calm and ready to start the process again.”

Oct. 17, 2011 – “I have an appointment set to get a baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning. I don’t know how we’re going to pay for it. We spent all we had on the last go-round. I’m feeling a little bummed about the money aspect of things. I’ve been working so hard; I don’t know what more I can do. I have been picking up shifts at Orchard Park like crazy. I literally have worked every day this last week. Sadly, I won’t reap the benefits until the 25^th. I wish having babies wasn’t so expensive. I NEVER dreamed I would have such a hard time getting pregnant. I have to remind myself that faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing.”

Oct. 18, 2011 – “I had an ultrasound this morning. They found a large cyst on my left ovary. They gave me some birth control to shrink it down. They said that a cyst that large secretes its own hormones; which could interfere with the whole process. I will be on birth control for 3 weeks. After that, they will have us start the process again. The set back is a little upsetting. BUT, the extra time will be good for our wallets. We will hopefully be able to save up some money by then. We are trying to stay positive.”

Oct. 24, 2011 – “Grandma offered to give us some money to help buy a baby! What a blessing. I know it is a blessing given to us for paying our tithing – even when we only had a few dollars.” The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. We had not mentioned our money struggles to Grandma. We didn’t want to ask for handouts. We were trying to save as much as we could. But, we could not refuse the great blessing of Grandma’s offer. We were also blessed by a donation from my mother. I cannot begin to describe how grateful we are for our supportive family.

Nov. 12, 2011 – “My friend and I recently discovered that we are both battling infertility. … She decided that starting a blog with me might help her cope [with the hard times.] This blog will be a place where we can write our experiences and feelings. We want this to be something that can serve as a source of strength for us, as well as others dealing with infertility. Mostly, I want people to know that infertility is not something to be ashamed of. If people get a support system in play, they won’t have to ‘struggle,’ they will be able to live and enjoy life. The Lord has a plan. He knows what we need, even when we don’t know what that may be. He also knows when we need things – this is the hardest to accept. 

“I had an ultrasound the other day. They found a small cyst on my right ovary, but, it wasn’t big enough to cause any problems. We will resume trying! I started Clomid today. I have an appointment set for Monday,

 Nov. 21, 2011, to get an ultrasound – they will be checking for follicles. If they find what they need, we will proceed with an IUI on Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2011. Hopefully, all goes as planned – we are supposed to be driving to Denver on Nov. 22, 2011, to celebrate Thanksgiving with the Wyatts. I would hate to miss out on the Thanksgiving festivities, but we have invested so much into this that we cannot just abandon it. We want a baby so bad. We will do whatever it takes.”

Nov. 23, 2011 – “Two days ago, I went in for my follicle scan. They said I had two small follicles on my right side and one larger – yet still too small – follicle on my left side. We would not be able to do the insemination as early as we were hoping. You see, the plan was to have the follicle scan show good news and we would do the insemination the next day, and then we would leave for Denver the following day {today}.

“With the results from the follicle scan being different than what we were expecting, our emotions are torn. We wanted to go to Denver and spend Thanksgiving with the Wyatt family. We also really want a baby. I feel like this added test is a lot harder than some of our others. We really were so excited to see Tyson’s family. We are being tested to see how bad we truly want children, and what we are willing to do to get them.

“You better believe we are willing to do WHATEVER it takes.

“Yesterday, I had to get another ultrasound, to check the follicles. This time they found seven follicles. Seven! Apparently, the Clomid and Bravelle worked! Although the majority of the follicles are ‘too small,’ there are still seven possibilities of a baby. Maybe we will get multiples!

“We had to rearrange our holiday plans. We will now be spending Thanksgiving with the Poulsen family, in Layton. We are going to try to make it work to go to Denver for Christmas.

“Our new plan for getting a baby goes as follows: I will inject myself with HCG on Thanksgiving at 10am. Tyson will have to go in to ‘collect’ at the doctor’s office on Black Friday at 8:30am. We will go back in at 10am for the IUI. We pray that this time will be successful.

“Faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing.”

Nov. 26, 2011 – “And now we wait…

“All went well with the insemination yesterday. They were impressed with Tyson’s sperm count; 12 million. They usually prefer it to be at least 5 million. Tyson was pretty proud of himself.

“The doctor said everything looked good and went as planned. So, now we wait 2 weeks to find out if it was a success; December 9^th.

“We are keeping hopeful that it will be a positive pregnancy test. We have been saying our prayers, paying our tithing, and following the doctor’s orders. We know we will get our baby; if not sooner, then later. The Lord has a plan for us. We just need to be patient.”

Dec. 15, 2011 – “December 9^th was a LONG DAY! I went in to get my blood drawn at 10am. As per usual, they had to stick me 4 times before they got any blood. Oh, the joys of having small veins that roll out of the way of the needle.

“I paid off my balance on my way out and asked how long I should expect to wait to hear my results. They said I should hear back between 3 and 5pm. And so began the practice of distracting myself.

“As 5pm came around, and I still had not heard from them, I began to stress. I called in to follow up. The lady said that they were super busy and would call before they left. I tried distracting myself, yet again.

“Before I knew it, 7pm rolled around. I was really getting anxious. I called again. This time, no one answered. I heard the message say they were closed and my heart sank. I cried as I left a voicemail pleading for them to call me with results. Not knowing was going to kill me.

“So, I sent out a text to family and close friends. I had to let them know that I was not leaving them any more in the dark than Tyson and I were. Everyone was shocked that we still had not heard.

“I had told myself I wouldn’t hear my results for a day or more – since it was Friday and they don’t make calls on Saturday or Sunday. In trying to continue distracting myself, I went over to hang out with my neighbor, Rhianna. Tyson stayed home doing his homework. We were doing our best to stay positive and hopeful.

“Well, Tyson finished his homework and came over to play with Brad, Rhianna’s husband. We all said hi and got to chatting. Then, Ty lifted up his shirt. He had written ‘DADDY!!!’ on his belly – well, technically Brad wrote it. I looked at him and said, ‘This is not funny. You better not be kidding me. I can’t handle a joke like this. Are you serious?’

“’I’m not joking! You’re pregnant!’ he said. I jumped up so fast and gave him the biggest hug. I had forgotten that I left my phone at home, on the charger. The doctor called at 7:37pm. Tyson answered it and took down the doctor’s orders. He scheduled me for my 7 week ultrasound on Jan. 3, 2012.

“I cannot explain the feelings that Tyson and I are feeling. We are elated, absolutely grateful and humbled. We know that our Heavenly Father loves us.”

It took two years for us to receive the positive pregnancy test that we so badly wanted. Looking at the whole scale of things, two years is not very much time, but in the moment dealing with all the ups and downs, it was the longest two years ever. I am grateful for every minute of those two years. I cried many tears, but I also grew so much over those two years. I know that God gives us trials to strengthen and teach us. Tyson and I have grown closer and learned to appreciate the little things in life. We have learned that you must focus on the positive and enjoy the journey.

I am so excited to meet little Tessie Kate Wyatt. She is due to come into this world August 17, 2012. (I have told her that if she wants to come early, I wouldn’t mind.)

-------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here. 

amanda's story

Before we got married, my husband and I agreed that we wanted at least 2 years together before we started trying for a baby. That was the “plan” and we felt like it would give us enough time to ourselves before expanding our family. Our 2^nd anniversary was in June 2010. We decided that in August, when my prescription for birth control ended, that would be the beginning of the next chapter of our lives: a baby.

I was so excited, nervous, and unsure of when it would happen. But I was sure it would happen within a couple months’ time. That’s how it happened for lots of my friends, so naturally I assumed our case would be the same. So after a month passed, I wasn’t worried.

Two months turned into 6 months. In that time I didn’t start periods on my own. So progesterone was prescribed in hopes of giving my system a “jump start” and that I would soon conceive. If not, we could then discuss further options. At the 6 month mark, I started getting nervous but didn’t allow myself to over think it.

My husband and I decided that we wouldn’t worry about it just yet. Besides, we were still having fun and a baby would happen in due time. We decided that we’d wait another 6 months(which will have been a full year of trying) before we took extra measures.

The year mark came, and still no baby. I had watched many friends get pregnant in that time and was able to visit many new babies in the hospital. Each visit becoming a little more difficult than the last. At that point, I started to become impatient, and the emotional pain of not being able to conceive started to hit me hard. I finally made the appointment with my doctor to discuss starting Clomid. I was sure this would work. It had to. Before I could be prescribed the medication, Allen needed to be tested to rule out a few of the potential male factors with our infertility struggles. The results came back normal. And before I knew it, I was on Clomid. I still wasn’t having periods on my own. So I had to start with a 10 day round of progesterone pills to start a cycle. Each of the 4 rounds of Clomid I completed started with a round of progesterone. One round was 50mg, the other 3 were 100mg.

This August will be the two year mark of when we started trying for a baby. And it’s been an emotional ride. Last week we finally got some answers. We had a consultation with a fertility specialist and I was diagnosed with PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The specialist seems very optimistic that by Ovulation Induction and lots of monitoring, we should be able to conceive. His positive attitude and dedication to us and our desire for a baby, gives me hope that this will work. And even if this particular treatment doesn’t work, I believe this doctor will be able to help us.

I have faith that my husband and I will, one day, be parents, however it may happen. We know that this is all in the Lord’s timing and we believe that he will bless us to be parents someday. And when that day comes, that child will be so loved and welcomed.

We are grateful for each other and the love and support of family and friends on this journey. And we extend our hope and prayers to all those out there who are struggling with infertility.  

-------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here. 

shannon's story

My Infertility Journey

In 1990 I gave birth to a healthy and beautiful baby girl. I got pregnant quite easily and just assumed that when I was ready for baby number two that would once again be the case. Little did I know what lay ahead and the path that trying to conceive would lead me down.

When my daughter was three years old we began to try again to have another baby. Month after month went by without a pregnancy. It never occurred to me that something could be wrong but after a little over a year of trying we sough out a doctor to run some tests. The first test they did was a semen analysis on my husband. It came back at zero. Zero. We were devastated. There was hope though because a biopsy showed that he was still producing sperm so there had to be a blockage in one the tubes. Turns out they were correct. A bad kidney infection had caused some scarring and had affected the epididymis. Surgery was scheduled to fix the problem and once again we had hope. Three months after the scheduled surgery another analysis was done and this one showed once again that there was no sperm. Six months later it was the same story. We were given the option of waiting for the one year test to see if anything had changed or to move forward with IVF/ICSI. We were told that the chances of this changing at one year were slim to none. Needless to say we moved forward with IVF. I had no idea that IVF would be the beginning of the end of my marriage.

In 1997 our first IVF cycle began. We did the classes and passed all of the psychological tests with flying colors. My hormone levels were normal and my body was prepped and primed for the cycle. Unfortunately they always began cycles with Synarel back then and my hormone levels were just too strong for the Synarel to work. We cancelled that cycle and moved forward with the next step. In my mind I don’t really see that as IVF cycle one because Synarel was the only hormone used. The next cycle was better. I started cycle suppression and then the hormones necessary for egg production. Two ultrasounds showed that I had under-stimulated. This time I was so emotional that I cried in my clinics office for well over an hour. They just let me cry it out until I had no more tears left to cry. We discussed our options for the next cycle but at that point I was too emotional to think clearly so my husband and I went home and discussed our options. We decided to try again. It was more my husbands idea than mine but I agreed. I knew how important this was to him. We did however agree to wait a couple of months to give my body and heart a little time to heal. The start of IVF cycle two began and this time I could tell the drugs were working. I hurt. I hurt more than I thought I should so off to the clinic we went. Unfortunately I was over-stimulating. I felt like I was going to vomit when my doctor said the words, “We have to cancel his cycle.” I left there too numb to even cry. After several tearful conversations with my husband I told him that I just couldn’t do this anymore. I was willing to adopt and I knew I could love a child that was adopted without any reservations but I just couldn’t go through one more cycle of IVF. The hormones were horrid and the emotional toll was too much. I needed to be there emotionally for my daughter. My husband reluctantly agreed. Two weeks later he went to visit his mother. Several months later I found out that he had been having an affair with a girl he met during that visit. We divorced in 1998.

I was emotionally drained from the whole experience and just needed some time to heal. Meeting another man was the last thing in the world I had planned or wanted but meet a man I did. We started as friends. We became best friends and that led to love. We married in Sept. of 1999 and started trying to have a baby right away. We both wanted more children and we saw no reason to wait. Month after month went by and still no pregnancy. It was like reliving a nightmare. In October of 2000 we went to see a doctor. A day later we were meeting with an urologist to discuss my husbands now diagnosed testicular cancer. It was surreal to say the least. It goes without saying, I’m sure, that trying to have a baby was put aside while we battled cancer. We were fortunate. It was slow growing and borderline stage two. The treatment was successful and he was declared cancer free in December of 2000. We were told to wait 6 months and then come in for a semen analysis. 6 months later we went and were told the devastating news. Zero count. This couldn’t be happening. How could this be happening again? It had to be wrong. There had to be something we could do. I went home and got proactive.

I did so much research on our options that I think I knew more about them than most doctors. I got my husband on a regimen of vitamins and supplements and year later his count returned to normal ranges. We were ecstatic. I did finally get pregnant only to miscarry. This happened three more times. All were early and in the mind of my doctor never really pregnancies and then miracle of miracles, I got pregnant and stayed pregnant. An ultrasound showed a heartbeat but in my heart I couldn’t get happy or excited. I felt unease. My husband told me that this was the furthest we had gotten and that we had reason to rejoice. Our baby had a heartbeat and chances of miscarriage were pretty slim at this point. A nuchal translucency scan was scheduled and at 11w5d we happily made the four-hour drive to the nearest perinatologist. It was there that we learned that our sweet baby girl had a cystic hygroma with hydrops. Essentially fluid around her neck was killing her. Slowly. We would likely never see past 13 weeks. It was all too much. I don’t know that I have ever cried that much in my entire life. At 13 weeks I was still pregnant. I also was still waiting to hear from my regular doctor because they never called to discuss the report. Because we were seeing the peri, we did not have a regular appointment scheduled until 16 weeks. I called the office but never got a call back. At 15w4d I began to bleed. I knew in my heart that this was the end. We had an emergency visit with the OB/Gyn who unbelievably asked us if we wanted him to pop a tape in to record the ultrasound. They hadn’t even read the report they received. I curtly told him we would decline that. He looked perplexed but proceeded. He put the wand to my belly and I knew. The baby was gone. No heartbeat. No movement. She was just a curled up ball of a fetus that measured 11w5d. The baby had died that same day as my NT Scan. I miscarried that night. The night before my scheduled D&C. At my follow up appointment I was told that this should have never happened…someone had dropped the ball but no one was sure who it was. I was also told that at my age I should consider giving up on having any more children. In June of 2004 I was 36 years old and most definitely not too old but to these good ole boy male doctors I was. I left that practice and never looked back.

Once again I began research. I had to do something to keep my mind busy and not thinking about the overwhelming pain I was feeling. Through my research I discovered something called DNA Fragmentation. That testing had never been done for my husband. It was always just a routine semen analysis. It took some convincing but we got our doctor to agree to send off a sample for testing. It came back with serious fragmentation and a balanced translocation. Our chances of having a baby were less than 20% even with IVF/ICSI/PGD. Once again we felt hopeless but even worse was the feeling of helplessness. What did we have to show for all of those years? Nothing. At this point I had been trying to have a baby for almost 11 years. I just had no idea what to do from here. Stop and just move on? Adoption? Try an IVF even with such low odds? We tabled it all and just decided to take some time off to breath and focus on what was good in our life. During that time I stayed active on an online infertility community I was a part of and it was through that community that we first began to explore the possibility of donor sperm. We are LDS and had always heard that it was against church policy so our first step before even discussing it with each other was to talk to our bishop. We found out that it was NOT against church policy. We met with our stake president as well just to have some double confirmation. Essentially it was between us and Heavenly Father. We had hope again.

We went home and discussed and discussed and discussed. We prayed. We read Helping the Stork. We talked some more. In the end we decided that we both felt good about giving it a try. If it didn’t work we would stop and come to terms with the fact that we had done all we could and either move on to adoption or move past it all and call it good. We learned from a midwife how to perform inseminations. We were over doctors and we had decided we would take control of this ourselves. In July of 2005 we purchased the supplies, chose a donor, ordered our vials and waited for ovulation. In September of 2005 we were ready and did our first insem. We thought we had completely botched it and had already moved past it in our minds. We waited for my cycle to start so we could move on to the next attempt and called this one our learning curve. Imagine our surprise when we found out I was pregnant. Our first cycle! The odds of that are pretty slim and yet there I was pregnant. We anxiously awaited our first ultrasound and when there was a heartbeat I breathed a sigh of relief. No feelings of dread this time around, just a feeling of peace and happiness. At a little over 8 weeks I began to bleed. I was scared to death so off to the ER we went certain that we were again losing a baby. We made up our minds that we were done. You can only imagine what we felt when the ultrasound tech showed us our little gummy bear baby with a nice strong heartbeat. She was still there and thriving. Turns out I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Some 29 weeks later that little gummy bear came into our lives a healthy and gorgeous baby girl.

When Miss O was 9 months old we decided to push our luck and try again. Time was ticking away. Once again we ordered our supplies and waited for ovulation. I got pregnant again on the first try. We weren’t as lucky this time around and lost that baby at a little over 5 weeks. We were hurt but still felt like we wanted to try again. It had worked the first time so surely it would work again. We got pregnant again on our next try and this time we saw a heartbeat. At 9 weeks I began to bleed. At a little over 11 weeks we lost that baby but this time was bad and I lost a lot of blood. We were again ready to call it good but my doctor convinced me to do some tests to rule out anything that might be wrong. They all came back normal except that I had insulin resistance. After much discussion we decided to try one more time and I again got pregnant on that try. I was on Metformin, Femara for egg quality and then progesterone after to help me stay pregnant. It was a long road filled with a whole lot of anxiety, bed rest and scares but in April of 2008 another baby girl joined our family. We were done. We were complete. We could move forward with our lives and put infertility behind us.

As life carried on I had this nagging feeling that something was missing and when O started telling us that she missed her baby brother I tried to shrug it off as her imagination. When she began to get hysterical and tell us that her baby brother was missing we would try to calm her with the knowledge that she only had a baby sister and that she never had a baby brother but in the back of my head I knew and so did my husband. We had to try one more time. Our original donor had previously been sold out and left the program so we agreed that we would call the bank but if he weren’t available we would just forget about it. There were six vials that had been in storage! It almost seemed too good to be true but I purchased all six and knew that this was meant to be. Once again I started my regimen of hormones and ordered supplies. At the age of 41 miscarriage risk was high so I went into it knowing that I would likely miscarry and that once those vials were used up we could go forward from there. Once again I got pregnant on try one. I was worried but hopeful when we saw a heartbeat but this time around I would have to have ultrasounds weekly for the first trimester to make sure the baby stayed viable. Each one of those was nerve wracking but miraculously I made it to my NT Scan. I told myself that this could go either way in an effort to prepare my heart for the worst but I walked out of there knowing my baby was healthy. At the big ultrasound I went in knowing that again, I could leave with bad news but again I walked out with the knowledge that my SON was healthy. Yes Miss O was right. I was having a boy. When we told her it was her baby brother she just smiled and told us that she already knew that. After a relatively easy pregnancy I gave birth to a healthy and huge baby boy.

Some two and a half years after the birth of my son I can tell you that this journey, while emotionally exhausting and fraught with pain was so worth it. I can’t imagine what life would be like without these miracles. I am thankful we never gave up and that we pursued the avenues we did. Mostly I am thankful for the love of an incredible husband who would go to the ends of the earth with me to have children and the faith that we both had that kept us pushing through the pain and tribulations.  

-------------------------

if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com

To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.