Jamie lives in Chicago and was kind enough to share her story with me via email. Please take time to read it and share some encouragement!
I have always struggled with telling my story. If I speak it, it becomes real, an ugly truth that I have kept to myself for so long. Unfortunately, this story is not only mine, there are countless women who are struggling with this, but always in silence. To the women who have shared their story, I thank you. Thank you for making me feel less alone and I hope my story helps as well.
I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was 19 or 20. When my doctor told me she suspected PCOS, I was not mature enough to understand, or even care; at that age, I was not thinking about kids. Fast forward several years, Mr. and I meet and date. As things got serious, I told (warned) him conceiving may be an issue, but in all honesty, I never actually thought it would be.
Due to my PCOS, I was proactive about getting the right medical treatment when we were ready. I was referred to an Endocrinologist and an OB/GYN. Countless medications and vitamins became a party of my daily routine. My OB/GYN prescribed Clomid to help me ovulate. The first month I was ovulating but got a negative pregnancy test. I was not discouraged by that because at least the medication was working. The second month, my entire life changed - POSITIVE! In that moment, the entire world as I knew it, became different. I already loved this child that would grow in me and I could not wait to feel every kick. Hopes and dreams for this little flooded my mind; I desperately prayed for this little to be the best of Mr. and I; I prayed that we would be equipped with the heart to be the best parents.
I had 3 ultrasounds done from the moment I found out. [3 ultrasounds are a bit excessive, I have nothing to say except that I am completely neurotic. :)] The first ultrasound revealed nothing, although my numbers were increasing, it was way too early to detect anything. For any woman struggling with fertility, we all KNOW our dates; I knew it was too early and I was ok with that. 2 weeks later I came in for the 2nd ultrasound and just by glancing at the monitor, I saw my little. The technician never showed us the monitor, but Mr. and I did glance at it; we both saw what was unmistakably, our little. The technician could not detect a heartbeat but assured us this was common, sometimes it just may not work this early and I was told to come back in 2 weeks. My 3rd and final ultrasound showed nothing. There had been no growth from 2 weeks prior and no heartbeat. Little stopped growing at 6 weeks; I was supposed to be at least 10 weeks by that time.
My miscarriage was the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced in my life, both physically and emotionally. I spiraled into an abyss of anger and sadness. I could not understand why I had to miscarry and even though I warned Mr. about it early on, I honestly never thought it would actually happen. Surely God would not do this to me; He knows the struggle, surely He would not cause me such pain and agony. I prayed, begged and pleaded so desperately that I would wake up from this nightmare, unfortunately it was my reality.
I resented every single pregnant woman, everyone who asked me about children, I even resented my own mother for having me and I resented God for doing this to me. Anger and sadness fueled my life and I felt like this time bomb that could go off at anyone for anything. I stopped going to church, I stopped talking to people and I stopped being me. The month I was due came and went and I didn't know how to feel anymore. I was empty and broken.
It has been a year since the miscarriage and unfortunately, bitterness and anger still swallow me whole at times. I've never stopped missing what could have been, but I have tried so hard to move on and focus on the future. Mr. and I started our second go at it as soon as I was physically able, but [of course!] I stopped responding to Clomid after the miscarriage. Month after month has been heartache, my poor Mr., who holds me until I soak his t-shirt through, try as he might can never understand this empty feeling I carry with me.
Fertility is so beautiful and fragile, it is a part of what makes women whole; the reality of INfertility shook me to my core. Our purpose as women is to bring life into this world, why can't I? It tests my very existence.
Mr. and I are seeing a specialist now and we are hoping the time is right for us to love and be loved by our little. Our story is to be continued [with, God-willing, a Happy Ending!].
if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com
To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.