After one year of trying and one month of being on Clomid we received the answer to our prayers, we were pregnant and due April 5, 2011! We couldn’t have been more thrilled! Everything was going just as it was supposed to until October 27, 2010. I was about 17 weeks pregnant and began to cramp severely. We went into the emergency room to make sure the baby and I were ok. They did an ultrasound and the baby was doing great, no problems. They said that my cramping was probably just due to the baby getting bigger. We went home feeling okay about everything, but I was still in pain. The next day I called my doctor because the cramping was still very persistent and painful. My doctor advised me to go to the emergency room again to get check out further. During this trip to the hospital we found out that we were having a baby girl! We were so excited to learn we were having a girl but scared for what might happen. They decided to keep me overnight for observation. As soon as we got into the hospital room I began to bleed heavily. My doctor prepared me for the worst. The baby and I were watched closely overnight in the labor and delivery unit. The bleeding slowly stopped and the cramping went away. Our baby still had a strong heartbeat and all was well. We were sent home that next day and I was told to lay low and keep calm for the next few days.
On Sunday, November 7, 2010 my water broke. I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant. All the fluid was gone, but our little girl still had a heartbeat. The on call doctor told us that we most likely would lose our baby girl. He sent us home to rest for the night. The next morning we went into my doctor’s office for another ultrasound. Our little girl no longer had a heartbeat. I was sent to the labor and delivery unit to be induced.
On Monday, November 8, 2010 I was 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant and at 9:06 PM I gave birth to Ruby Jeniece Turville. She was 8 inches long and weighed half of a pound. The nurse brought her to us wrapped up in a blanket with a little hat on her head. It was amazing how tiny and perfect she was. She had ten tiny toes, and ten tiny fingers. She was beautiful. We were able to spend the next few hours holding her. That night I truly learned what kind of love mothers have for their children. I loved her so much even though I only got to be her mommy for a short 19 weeks. I know that our Heavenly Father was close by us that night, as my husband and I and grieved the loss of sweet Ruby.
The months following the loss of Ruby were truly the worst months of my life. To get through each day was a trial. I ached for my little girl every moment. I did not understand why Heavenly Father had to take her away from us. I felt anger, guilt, and sadness. I am so thankful for a wonderful husband that had so much patience and faith during that time. He kept me going on the many days that I struggled to do anything but cry. I was put on anti-depressants in February 2011. I was very reluctant at first to take pills, but I soon realized that I could not handle the pain by myself. I am very thankful for modern medicine and that we have these things to help us when it is needed most. The anti-depressants helped me think more positively. No, the pills did not take away the pain of losing our baby, but it did help me cope with the day to day struggle.
Thoughts of Ruby still cross my mind daily. What would she look like, what would make her laugh, what would her favorite food be? Losing her was a trial that I never thought we would be faced with. Nor one that I thought I could ever have lived through. Our Heavenly Father knows us better than we do. He knows our true potential and what trials we need to face in order to reach that potential. I truly believe that our Heavenly Father had bigger plans for our little angel and so he need to take her back in his arms.
We were blessed after the loss of Ruby with a healthy baby girl, Annie Caroline, on December 11, 2011. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be mother. I embrace it every day, poopy diapers, spit up, and late night bottle making. I am grateful for it all. I am so grateful for the short time that I got to be Ruby’s mother. I know that one day we will be reunited with her and will be together as an eternal family.
if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com
To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.
Such a heartbreaking story. I can't imagine having to give birth to a stillborn. It seems so unfair that women have to go through the labor and delivery process when their baby has already passed away. The thought makes my heart so empty I can't stand it.
I'm grateful for her faith and strength. Without Heavenly Father, how would you ever get through such a trial? I'm glad she opened up to the idea of taking antidepressants because it has helped her through this. That is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm happy for her and the birth of her little Annie. I know it is a blessing to become a mother but it doesn't take the sting away of losing that first baby. May God continue to bless her with peace and strength.
Thanks for sharing.
Ashlee, your story brought tears to my eyes. I cannot even imagine going through that, you have amazing strength. Thank you for sharing, I miss your laughs and hope you and your little family are doing great!
Jackie, the emotions you're able to capture through pictures are absolutely touching. Your talent as a photographer tells a story that I've very rarely seen before. Keep it up, you're inspiring!
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