katie's story

May 2010:

When I was 17 I was able to find out that I have a bi-coronate uterus. (which means basically my uterus has a septum in the middle of it, making it into 2 small uteri) When Nate and I wanted to get pregnant we were able to go to the doctor and ask questions to understand exactly what that meant for our chances. My mother had the same abnormality and had 2 miscarriages. She also had 4 healthy, full-term babies. We were made aware of the risks of early miscarriage and pre-term labor due to the small size of my uterus.  The doctor also told us we might have trouble getting pregnant because of my abnormality.

We had been married about 3 years and felt like we are ready to increase our family, even though it was going to be a long bumpy road. 

Nate and I left to Italy the month after we stop birth control. Our families joked that we would bring a little olive back in my belly. Little did we know that our families joking would come true. We actually did get pregnant it Italy!!!

We are so excited that you decided to joy our family so soon little one. I am only 6 weeks, but already my life is changed forever. I am nervous every day that I might lose you. But the doctor said you implanted at the perfect spot in my uterus.  I can’t explain the change that has happened to me. I am going to be a Mother! I am already wondering what you will be like. It makes me think about how incredible life is. Heavenly Father is so loving and compassionate to allow us to create a person, another human being to love and care for. What an amazing gift you are little one.

August 2010:

You’re a BOY! We are so thrilled. You weren’t shy at all at your appointment. You are perfectly healthy. Your heartbeat is 144 per minute and I am measuring at 22 weeks, even though I am only 18 weeks. The doctor says I am measuring big because of the way you are in my uterus. I don’t mind though. This is all so exciting! I can’t believe I am having a little boy!

September 2010:

I can feel you!!!! It is amazing to feel the little flutterings turn into nudges and kicks. You are really inside of me. I love you so much little one!

October 2010:

I don’t think you have stopped moving since the first time I felt you. Wow you are wiggler Porter. Daddy loves touching my tummy and feeling you move for him.  You show off for everyone that wants to feel you. I love that I always know you are there. Your head is tucked up right by my ribs and you haven’t moved from that position. The doctor said that it is likely that you won’t have enough room to turn head down now, so we are planning on a C-section. Also, since you are only in half the uterus a normal baby is, I am at high risk for going into pre-term labor.  It is looking like they are going to induce me at 37 weeks (if I make it that long).  I would appreciate it if you would please not try to come early. I need you to stay inside me as long as possible, Okay!

November 2010:

  Porter, this is as far as you developed. You were able to live inside of me for 31 weeks. For some unknown reason you died inside of me between November 14^th-15^th. On the 14^th I started throwing up a lot and didn’t really notice if you were moving or not because my stomach was so upset. The next day I was still throwing up, but I suddenly realized I couldn’t remember the last time you had moved. Daddy came home and we laid down together to tried to feel you move. After about an hour we still couldn’t feel you, which was a big deal for our little wiggler. Dad had school, and said he wouldn’t go so he could go to the doctor with me, but I didn’t want to get all worried for no reason. I told him to go to school, while I went to the doctor to check for the heartbeat.  The doctor was seeing other patients so the nurse checked for your heartbeat….nothing…….She said not to worry because the doctor could find it for sure. About 30 minutes later our doctor came in….nothing…10 minutes later…. Still nothing. My heart sank. I knew you were gone.  He said he was a little worried but wanted to do an ultrasound, except the ultrasound guy was gone and he didn’t know how to run the machine. My dad is a doctor at the Clinic so he called him to come down.  I picked up my phone, completely shocked. This wasn’t happening. We got through the miscarriage stage. I wasn’t having pre-term contractions either. What the heck was going on? I called Nate and just started Sobbing. He left class immediately. About 5 minutes later my parents were at my side. What was this noise that was coming out of me. I had never heard my self in such pain. My dad kept saying, lets just wait for the ultrasound, don’t worry, just wait for the ultrasound.  But I knew! I knew Porter was gone.  With in seconds of looking at the ultrasound my dad’s face sank and all he could do was just keep looking at the ultrasound. He kept moving the machine around, I could tell he was hoping to find something, any sign of life. Finally I just asked, “Dad, is Porter alive,” He lowered his head and looked at me with the saddest eyes I had ever seen. My mom started sobbing and I just sat there. I felt dead.  It was true then. Porter was gone. Nate ran in just after the ultrasound was done and we hugged and cried together.

Our doctor came in and explained what would happen next. He gave us options; we decided to go right to the hospital to have me induced. I couldn’t stand thinking of my baby dead inside of me. I wanted you out so I could hold you and see my little wiggler. He said it would take about 12 hours and that I could deliver vaginally even though you were breach.

The Hospital

We got to the hospital Tuesday night. I was admitted and started on Pitocin to help me contract. After about 12 hours I was still at a 0. They next started me on intra-vaginal cervical drugs that they normal can’t give women whose babies are alive because they can’t control the contractions. After 4 rounds of the drugs and 12 hours later, I still was dilated to nothing.  My body did not want to give this baby up. It was like it was doing everything it could to not have Porter.  Finally Thursday morning I decided to get an epidural to see if that would help the process. I was in so much pain from all the different meds they were giving me, I didn’t think I could handle another 12 hours without the epidural.  Six hours later I had dilated to a 1. I was completely exhausted and frustrated! I just wanted to have my baby and be done. Why did this have to be so hard!  The nurse came in and said that they were going to try a cervical balloon. They placed in up through my cervix and blew it up so it would put pressure on my cervix to dilate.  Thank goodness I got that epidural. Six hours later I was still at a 1. I had been in labor for 36 hours! I decided that I needed a blessing, to help me progress more. My father, father-in law and husband gave me a blessing and with in 10 minutes I was complete. My doctor came in and I delivered Porter Owen Adams at 6:00 am on Friday the 18^th of November. He was 2.5 lbs and 15 inches long. What a strange, amazing and confusing experience that was. Pushing for a baby that I didn’t get to keep. Holding a newborn that wasn’t alive. It is nothing you ever expect or should have to gone through.  I was flooded with hormones, I didn’t really know how to feel or what to think, just that I loved him!

Our doctor was unable to get my placenta out so they had to rush me to emergency surgery. I was only able to hold you a moment.  After my D&C, I was able to hold you again. You were all cleaned up and had on a cute little outfit. Nate and I got lots of pictures with you. We got to be with you for one whole day! It was the most difficult, spiritual, exhausting day of my life.

The next day we were able to hold a devotional for you. We all wrote letters to you and sent them off in balloons. Nate and I decided that we would do this every Nov. 18^th for your birthday.

November 18^th, 2011

Dear Porter, Happy Birthday!! I can’t believe it has been a year sine you were born.  I thought that the pain and sadness would never leave my heart.  Although you are still gone, I feel your love and presence often.  I love you so very much Porter. You are my little angel, sent to me to teach me about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His love for me.  I am so thankful that families can be together forever.  I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t be with you again. I have gain so much Peace knowing you are up with Heavenly Father, playing and giggling with him. Porter, I miss you. I miss you so much. Sometimes I just cry and cry because of the void in my heat that you were meant to fill.  I hope that I can be righteous enough to raise you in the millennium. Nate and I are so excited to see you again. Please tell your brothers and sister that we love them and want them to come down soon.  We are so ready to be parents. I love you darling. I will forever and always my little Po Po.

                                                          -Love always, Mom.

May 2012

It has been a year and a half since we have had Porter and we are still not pregnant.  I pray for a baby every day. I know that we will have children. I am now realizing that it will be when the Lord thinks we are ready. So for now, I am doing all I can to be physically, emotional, and spiritually ready to have the chance of having a baby again.

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To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.