I was so excited of the thought that in 10 months I would have a baby. My husband, Chase, and I had decided that we were going to start trying. Being so naive I thought for sure that I would get pregnant that first month, this was 2008. The following 2 years were full of tears, let downs, and anger. I could not understand why I wasn't getting pregnant when it seemed that everyone around me was. I remember praying that I would wake up with morning sickness; I longed to know what that felt like. Every month was as if a tiny piece of my heart was being broken off.
In January of 2010 I made an appointment to see my doctor about my infertility. After several tests it was clear that I was simply not ovulating. She went over possible treatments and we decided to try Clomid. I wanted to be excited about this treatment but all I could think of was “What if it doesn't work”, then what? I took my first round in March 2010 and on April 26, 2010 I took a pregnancy test; it was POSITIVE! I was pregnant! Chase and I hugged and cried and talked all night of our hopes and dreams for this baby that was to arrive in late December. Although I received a positive pregnancy test, the morning sickness that I had prayed for never came, but I didn't think too much into it.
When we went to our first prenatal appointment I was so nervous, already feeling sad and scared. As the doctor was preforming an ultrasound, she was quite, too quite. The room started to spin, and I asked quietly, almost in a whisper, “is everything OK?”. The doctor told us that I might have gotten my dates wrong and that I'm not as far along as I had thought, but when you are dealing with infertility you KNOW your dates. I asked what if the dates are right and was pained to hear that it could be a miscarriage. The pain that radiated in my body was indescribable, and for the next two days as we waited for the hormone level test to come back I was numb. We were expecting the test results on the following Friday, but notwithstanding Chase had to go to work that day. We gave the doctor Chase’s number because I couldn’t bare to hear the news first. I sat in bed crying all morning, waiting and waiting. Finally I heard the front door open and Chase run in; he hugged me and said “I’m sorry”... We had lost the baby. There was nothing no one could say to make us feel better, we needed time, but time could not go by fast enough. I felt as though I had failed and that it was all my fault, but I wasn't giving up.
Two months later there it was, another positive pregnancy test. I was even more scared this time. Through all the anxiety and emotion we were extremely blessed to have a healthy baby boy 9 months later. It’s funny what a loss of a pregnancy can do to your mind. I wish I could have enjoyed my pregnancy more. Every twinge, every appointment, every day it seemed as though I would cry because I was scared of losing him too. Gavin is almost a year old now and has made my life so much better in every way.
I will always remember our first baby, and I think of her every day.
if you are interested in participating in this project, please email me at jackienorrisphoto @ gmail.com
To see more of the infertility and pregnancy loss project, click here.